Have you ever thought about such a problem? There may be hundreds or even thousands of WeChat accounts stored in your phone. When you really encounter difficulties, when you feel upset at midnight, do you Can you find someone from so many people who can listen to you patiently, truly care about your feelings, and be willing to help?
When you are in a state of love or marriage, is your partner willing to give you comfort when you are in a down mood, celebrate with you when you are happy, whether you can come from the heart Feel his love for you? Or conversely, can he really feel your love?
Being loved and feeling loved are two different feelings. Maybe you are loved, but you don’t feel this kind of love. It’s like sometimes you can clearly realize that someone cares about yourself. But you still don’t feel the same as being loved.
Everyone desires to be loved, but this desire is not always realized. Many people have a gap in their hearts that prevents them from giving love and gaining The love of others.
The psychologist Dr. Jenny Siegel pointed out in the book "Feeling Love: The Art of Happiness in Intimacy" that our inner loneliness and sadness , Anger and anxiety, To a large extent, it is because we can't feel the love of others, or we are afraid of losing the love of others, which creates a sense of emptiness and insecurity.
Obviously, a person who wants to be happy, can Feeling love is a key factor.
1. Only when you feel loved can you feel the true happiness
Feeling being loved is a powerful experience, and it has a huge effect on our health and happiness.
When many people talk about happiness, they think that if they have enough money, they can solve most of the current difficulties and become happy.
On this issue, Harvard University has spent 75 years closely tracking the lives of 724 men. After studying their work, family life, and health status, they came to this conclusion ——Happiness has nothing to do with money. What really makes people feel full and happy is good interpersonal relationships.
In other words, even if you are rich, if you don’t know how to deal with relationships, how to give love, or cannot feel the love of others, then you still won’t feel happy.
To feel loved is a deep connection between intimacy and security.
Everyone will encounter various difficulties and pressures during the journey of life. Obviously, people who are hard to feel loved will be more helpless. Because they lack trust in others, they will not actively seek help from others, nor will they break their inner selfDefensively, take the initiative to talk to others and talk about your inner distress.
They tend to or are used to all the problems by themselves and solve them by themselves, which will undoubtedly bring them great pain and pressure.
If they are strong-willed and solve various problems on their own, they may become stronger as a result, but since everything is solved by themselves, there is no mutual help connection with others, so Let them have a deeper sense of isolation from others, and this will make people far away from true happiness.
People who experience love will especially understand that when they are about to lose control, feel extremely sad, and have great mental stress, if their loved ones can accompany them to provide comfort, support and understanding , Give yourself a few big hugs, which will help you reduce stress and relieve anxiety.
When our fear and anger are understood by others, sadness is understood by othersComfort, we can feel a peaceful and peaceful experience. We will feel that even in very bad circumstances, we are still accepted, considered good and worthy of help.
A person can feel it The prerequisite for love is that he can recognize and recognize the performance of love.
Many people don’t know what kind of experience it is to be loved, because they have not experienced it, so it is difficult for them to make others feel loved.
On the contrary, the more love a person feels, the more willing he will be to pass on this love, and the stronger his ability to love and be loved, and this kind of person will gain Real and lasting happiness.
As Dr. Jenny Siegel said in the book: "What affects our emotions is not whether we have love, but whether we can feel it."
The scariest thing in life is to lose the ability to feel love. A person who has not felt happiness for a long time is actually unable to feel love for a long time.
2, what is preventing us from feeling love?
Many people feel that they are far away from love, and even feel that they will never get love in this life.
This is becauseFor, in life, there are many things that prevent us from getting love and feeling love.
① Childhood experience affects our ability to establish emotional connections
A person’s most primitive and first experience of love is established with his nurturers When you get up, a person’s experience of being nurtured is very important and will directly affect his intimacy for the rest of his life.
If he can establish a very safe, intimate, and pleasant emotional connection with his parent (usually his mother), then he will naturally integrate into other people’s circles when socializing, and Will not feel too much instability and fear.
On the other hand, if he does not establish an intimate attachment relationship with his mother or other caregivers, he will tend to withdraw from social relationships, feel distrustful of others, and feel insecure about the world.
Of course this is not absolute, some People do not get the love of their parents in childhood, such as children who grow up in domestic violence families, but after self-healing and self-growth, they can also feel love and obtain happy relationships. This is because of emotional bonding Is not an absolute, innate thing, it is a skill, and skillIt can be learned the day after tomorrow.
What is certain is that children who have not received love or lacked love in early education will need to overcome more difficulties in their acquired growth and learn how to feel love and give love.
② Indulging in virtual Internet relationships may cause more serious isolation between people
In the Internet age, everyone spends online The time spent has seriously exceeded the time spent face-to-face with family and friends.
We may unconsciously think that chatting with people on the Internet is also a kind of social activity, but the author pointed out in the book that screen communication seems to bring closer the relationship between people, but In fact, it does not create a satisfying and truly happy relationship. It can even affect a person’s ability to communicate with feeling loved.
One of the big reasons is that virtual communication does not produce non-verbal communication like face-to-face communication.
Psychological research shows that people 75 % Of communication is actually non-verbal communication, such as the tone of speech, facial expressions and body movements when communicating. These are more important than the content of the speech because it canIt conveys more emotional information, and it is warmer than online text, and more authentic and reliable.
We can recall that when we miss someone very much, what we remember in our minds is not those static texts sent on WeChat, but the warm eyes of the other person, cute actions when acting like a baby, etc. These dynamic memories, and these things cannot be provided by the virtual world.
If a person is completely indulged in virtual communication, his personal emotions will gradually weaken or be limited.
He may be less sensitive to non-verbal information in the real world, he may become more narcissistic, lack empathy for others, and thus fail to create deep interpersonal relationships. It is impossible to obtain true emotional satisfaction, because the language of love is more produced in face-to-face communication.
③ People who live in their own world will block the feeling of being loved
Due to the pressure of survival, modern people will always be in a hurry, constantly making plans and giving themselves Develop various tasks. When a person is too immersed in his own thinking and busy with his own affairs, he will hinder others' consciousness from entering his own world, thus missing many opportunities to stare at others, communicate with others, understand others, and feel loved .
The emotional connection between people is largely related to others Produced by communication and interaction. If a person only lives in his own world and lacks emotional communication with others, it is normal for him not to feel loved.
3. How to feel others Love?
To feel the love of others, or let others feel their own love, we need to make some efforts. The author provides the following methods in the book.
① Manage your own pressure and maintain emotional balance
Everyone has their own pressure, whether it comes from outside or from inside.
If the pressureIn a controllable and acceptable range, then such pressure will help us stay alert, focused and motivated.
If stress is too great, it will destroy our emotional experience. It will make us anxious, withdrawn, numb, evasive, depressed, fearful, and even self-centered and self-interested. Communicating with others well, and being unable to think and understand others clearly, this will shut down or weaken our ability to feel loved.
We can reduce our stress level through sports, travel, reading and other hobbies we like, but this is not enough. When a truly threatening stress event occurs, we may still be unable to control ourselves and automatically generate intense emotions, which requires us to also know how to recognize our stress response patterns.
For example, you Perhaps under great pressure, you always like to withdraw and escape, and isolate yourself from the outside world. Once you can quickly detect and recognize your stress reactions, then you can take your emotional state before these reactions completely occupy your mind. Bring to a state of balance.
② Whenever you don’t close your heart, keep an open communication channel
A person with a fragile and sensitive heart, after being rejected by love, he will be easily disappointed in love, and feel that he will never love anymore in his life, and it is impossible for anyone to love himself again, thus closing his heart. , Stay away from social interactions and crowds, and no longer give others the opportunity to understand who you are. Doing so will only make you fall into the tragedy and despair of love.
If we want to feel the love of others, we must have the courage to contact others and maintain an open communication channel. In this world, apart from family relationships, other relationships are created by ourselves. If you don't give others a chance, you don't give yourself a chance.
In the classic "Great Expectations", the heroine Estella is glamorous and noble, has a high education, but has a cold heart and enjoys playing with others.
The actor Pip has loved her deeply since she was a child, but Estella has never felt love since she was a child, She doesn't love anyone, so Estella has always been cold and hot with Pip.
After that, Estella married a snobber who didn’t like it The villain, and suffered all the torture, personally ruined her own happiness, but in the end she woke up and realized Pip's love for her, and the two had a good ending.
There are thousands of definitions of success in this world, but I thinkThe most successful end point is love and being loved. It can give us the safety and warmth we need in our hearts, and can give us powerful strength to overcome pressure and difficulties. The so-called source of happiness is that we can continuously feel loved by others, and we also have the ability to make others feel our love.