"The soul attracts that which it secretly harbours, that which it loves , and also that which it fears." (The soul will attractWhat it hides in secret, not only does it love, but it also fears. )—— James Allen
In life, we may I’ve heard the question: "What type of person do you like?"
People seem to have their own preferences when choosing a partner The "type" of-we are always attracted to people with certain characteristics. When asked this question, many people blurt out some likable traits, such as good-looking, funny, smart, etc.
But the people who really attract us in reality may be completely different from what we imagined. We may like people who don’t seem to meet our standards, or even people who know they’re wrong. . And if you are careful enough to capture when looking back, you will find that those who are attractive to us do have something in common-although this common point may not be easy to detect.
Why are we attracted to certain people? What characteristics of ourselves does this attraction reflect? Today, let’s talk about "attraction" with you.
01. What are the basic laws of attractiveness?
Regardless of the specific situation of each person, people are Whether they will attract each other, there are indeed some general rules. Here are a few common laws of attraction:
1. We will like those who like us
Donn Byrne and Don Nelson (1965) It is believed that the core of attractiveness between people is "rewarded" and "positive interaction". Simply put, people are easily attracted to people who actively radiate goodwill and kindness to them, and the benign interaction between the two will enhance this attraction.
Berstein also pointed out that we will measure acceptanceYour own possibility. When this possibility is greater, we tend to like each other more.
2. People who are closer are more attractive
Psychologists conducted a study on the "formation of friendship" in the student dormitories of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). They found that college students tended to have a higher affinity for classmates living close to their dormitory.
3. We are more likely to like people we know
IWe tend to like people who are in constant contact. Repeated contact with others, even just images, usually increases our favorability towards them.
This is the see more effect. The multi-look effect means that simple repeated exposure will affect your impression of the exposed object. Experiments have shown that if an individual has a positive or neutral impression of being someone at first, seeing him/her repeatedly will enhance the individual's good impression of the person. But if it’s something that we hate at first sight, looking at the effect will make us hate it even more.
4. We are more likely to be attracted to people with similar looks
The research found that the matching degree of the appearance of the two directly affects whether a relationship is happy and long-lasting. Compared to couples with a greater difference in appearance, couples with good looks say they are more satisfied with the relationship and have deeper feelings.
Why do we always like the same type of people?
In addition to these general laws of attraction, There are some more specific situations:
1. "The people I like are all people who are completely opposite to my personality"
Christine Hammond believes, People like people who are very different from themselves when the other party and themselves can "complement their functions."
This kind of "complementarity" means that one’s own personality traits bring some troubles or limitations to oneself, and People with diametrically opposite personalities can just make up for their limitations. For example:
a.Introverts and extroverts:
For extremely introverts, even if they don’t feel that they are not good at interpersonal problems, they will not Consciously attracted by those extroverts who shine in the crowd.
On the other hand, extroverts also appreciate the natural calmness and ability to get along with themselves in introverts. Introverts who are good at introspecting and observing, and capturing details are excellent listeners to extroverts. They can bring new perspectives and insights to extroverts.
b. Sensitive and insensitive:
Being too sensitive to the emotions of self and others is an exhausting thing. Therefore, those who are sensitive are often attracted to those who are completely opposite to themselves and who are "nervous". They will be attracted The natural and happy infection of these people feel that they are more relaxed in front of these people-this kind of relaxation is precious to them.
Those who are less sensitive to emotions may have higher overall self-happiness, but because of their "insensitiveness" in this area, they cannot make appropriate emotional responses that others expect at the right moment. Therefore, slow people will also find those who are emotionally rich and can easily perceive the emotions of others are very charming.
2. You may be attracted because your psychological barriers "match" each other
There are some commonThere is a natural attraction between the psychological barriers of one of them, provided that the unhealthy thinking and behavior pattern of one of them just meets the unhealthy needs of the other:
a Borderline personality and dependent personality
Boundary personality disorder has extreme fear of being abandoned, emotional ups and downs, and extreme lack of The sense of boundary between others makes it difficult for ordinary people to bear such a partner.
However, such a borderless partner is not a problem for dependent personality. Lacks independence and autonomy, and is also deeplyFearful dependent personality disorder likes to obey and attach to others. For them, their partners have no boundaries to demand and possess, tolerate all their emotions, and be compliant with their partners, but it is a state that makes them more secure.
b. Problems and helpers
We have mentioned the concept of "dependence on symbiosis" many times in our past pushes. This is a kind of relationship that looks like love at first, but in fact it is a pathological relationship that has nothing to do with love.
In a narrow symbiotic relationship, one of the two needs to have someAddictive problems, such as uncontrollable derailment, sex addiction, alcoholism, etc., are difficult to be responsible for themselves and others; the other person is highly dependent on this person’s "problems" and "irresponsibility" ", to gain one's own sense of value in the excessive care and control of the other party-this is a pathological symbiotic relationship.
In a symbiotic relationship, two people are often both victims and accomplices: One relies on the other, and the other relies on "the other’s dependence on itself ". The structure of this symbiotic relationship is very stable, which makes it difficult for the two to leave each other even in deep pain.
3. People who know they are wrong, make mistakes again and againblockquote>
Sometimes, people have realized from previous relationships that they are not suitable for a certain kind of person, and that being with such a person will not be happy; But at the same time, they will again be attracted to people who know they should stay away.
This is what we said, "Because I hate him too much, I fall in love with someone like him."Common One is that some people repeatedly fall in love with someone who is like the father/mother who hurt them. People instinctively desire and seek attention and love from their parents in their childhood. If this desire is not fulfilled, it may continue into adulthood, even if we suppress this desire on the surface.
Therefore, those who were neglected and denied by their parents in childhood, and cannot get the attention and love of the other party no matter how to please them, will be attracted to people similar to their parents when they grow up. Subconsciously, I want to get the love that was once missing from these people who are similar to them, and in this form to fulfill my childhood unfinished wish.
03. Similar defense mechanisms determine our partners and love
Clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone pointed out that in In most cases, whether two people can attract each other essentially depends on whether the two people’s defense mechanisms match.
The defense mechanism is a specific pattern of cognition and behavior that we formed in childhood. We can simply understand that our childhood experiences have allowed us to form some ways to deal with the world and problems. These ways have protected us. We believe and are willing to continue to believe that they are effective methods.
Firestone believes that when we choose a partner, we are subconsciously attracted to those who fit our defense mechanism.
For example, a person who is used to silence and withdrawal to protect himself may choose an aggressive partner, because the other person’s aggressiveness provides him with a lot of silence Situation. A person who is accustomed to protecting himself with desperately chasing and pleasing, oftenWill choose an object that is difficult to please. This is because we don't like our own cognitive system to be broken, and we will construct a familiar situation through active choice.
It can be seen that people are attracted not because of how good their personalities fit, or even because we’re happier with this person . But getting along with this person allows the way of self-protection that has always been used to continue to exist. At the same time, getting along with this person can also strengthen our attitude and awareness of ourselves.
This is the unfairness of this world. A person who has experienced pain often experiences pain repeatedlySuffering, until he is willing to give new pain to break himself and change.
Therefore, if you find that you always like people who are not good to you, and always enter into relationships that make you unhappy, then you must first The point is to refer to the example above, carefully notice what these people have in common, and what is their essence that attracts you. This kind of essence is probably something that is constantly injecting nutrients into your negative defense mechanisms.
At the same time, you also need to consider the opinions of your relatives and friends around you. The relatives and friends around you who know and care about you may know better than yourself, what is a good way for you, what kind of peopleIt is more likely to bring you happiness.
Finally, you need to deliberately try to date people who may not appeal to you at the beginning, but who have the good qualities you need. at leastWhen those people are close to you, give each other a chance instead of setting limits early-"Ta is not my type".
This kind of attempt outside the comfort zone will make you feel uncomfortable at first, because such a person will challenge your inherent defense mechanism. For example, if a person who is obsessed with himself or herself tries to get along with someone who actively approaches and cares for himself, they will not get used to it, may even feel abnormal and uncomfortable-why this person So good to me? I'm not worth it. Does Ta have any purpose?
But in fact, is the way we used to protect ourselves fromIt takes us in the wrong direction. It makes us wonder what a healthy dependency is like. Sometimes, you are just not used to it, not dislike it.
Finally, if you are repeatedly falling in love with someone who can’t establish a healthy relationship with you and fall into a painful love Tell yourself when necessary: Sometimes what attracts you most is what you need to stay away from. Cut off connection is painful, but it is necessary for you to find your life back. And as you get healthier, you will feel less and less attractive in these relationships.
above. May we all fall in love with someone who is worthy. p>
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