Author: Hu Shen of
well-known parent-child relationship expert
Sunflower psychological founder
State two counselors
"Hu Shenzhi Family Education Class" and "Mood Class" are popular in the headline column
We often say that it is a bad thing to please, it will make us put too much Focus on others, thus ignoring yourself.
For some people, to please others is actually to protect themselves.
One, please Is it because of fear?
I know a couple before, and they get along very strangely.
Why do you say that? Because every time we go out to party, I would hear my wife complain about her husband being very unreasonable, strong and strict towards her.
Once, my wife secretly drove her husband’s car out to play. She knew that her husband was very concerned about that car. So when she got home, she parked the car in the original place and said to her friend: "Don’t let your husband know that the car wasAfter moving, otherwise he will be very angry, then I can't eat it and walk around. "
From what she said, it seemed that her husband was really unreasonable, and she was afraid of being blamed by her husband.
But then we discovered her Husband, it’s not as overbearing and unreasonable as she said. When we ate together, her husband took good care of her, and she also poured tea quietly for everyone, which made people feel very well-behaved and considerate.
We were very puzzled at the time. If her husband is really that bad, why is she so "behaved and pleased" in front of her husband?
This is because in her heart, she thinks she can only do this, Only the other person can like her and won't leave her behind. In other words, she viewed her husband as a tyrant.
When you are going to please someone, you need to do something to satisfy the other person, but in fact you feel wronged inside. You think that only when you treat others like this will others think you are good and won't lose your temper at you.
In fact, at this time, the person you please is already a bad person in your heart. He doesn't respect you, doesn't care about your feelings, and even asks you like a tyrant.
Like the way that wife treats her husbandBecause she was afraid of making mistakes, she acted cautiously and even lied. In the process, she dared not express any of her demands and could only obey her husband. If her husband did not ask her, she would behave very much" Be well-behaved", this is a kind of flattering model.
Second, you are trying to please others, and you are also protecting yourself
Why do we always can’t help but please others?
This is usually because you feel you are not good enough. Because I feel that I am not good enough, I believe that only when I perform well enough to keep the other person from leaving can I have a place to live. This is a very humble state.
It's like when a child faces a parent who is irritable and has a strong sense of control, he will be very careful. Because he is afraid that if he makes a mistake, he will be blamed by his parents, or disgusted. Some parents will irresponsibly say to their children: "If you continue to be like this, I won't want you", "Can you change it? If you don't change it, you will have to fight again."
Therefore, when many children face such parents, they will say: "Mom (dad), I will never dare anymore." Some children cry and hug their mother.Even help mother pour a glass of water. In fact, the children at this time are full of grievances and fears, and even the way they treat people is trembling.
When they grow up, they will treat other people the same way. In this relationship model, he is actually very inferior, and he is afraid that others will ignore him and that he is not good enough. This will mean bad, worthless, and it means that others will leave at any time.
Therefore, people who are accustomed to pleasing need to be in a very safe environment before they dare to express their ideas. And when they express themselves directly, there is a sense of shame.
For example, you have a friend who is cautious and always pleases others. During your chat, she might want to go to the toilet, but she didn't dare to say it directly. After holding back for a long time, she asked embarrassedly: Can she go to your toilet?
You may wonder why she didn't express it directly, but in her opinion, it would be shameful to put forward her needs directly. Because I feel like I have no value and need to rely on the help of others, and I am afraid that you will look down on her.
So, to please others is also a way to protect yourself, to protect yourself from being rejected.
3. It takes courage to get rid of the flattering model
If we realize that we often flatter others, we can first Try to accept yourself and make a sincere appeal to yourself.
Because pleasing is just one of our own coping modes, it makes us feel that everything is requested by others, and all we can do is to meet the requirements of others. So only ifOnly when we can face ourselves bravely and accept our own feelings can we change. This is our own homework, our own business, and only we can help ourselves.
After understanding this, we must learn how to present ourselves better. As an independent adult, you have the responsibility and obligation to present yourself truly.
What is real presentation? It is to truly express your emotions, demands, needs and desires.
It’s very simple, like when you feel tired, tell yourself: "You’re tired now and need a break." When you don’t want to date, tell yourself: "If you don't see it, there is no big problem, then I will rest at home." When you particularly desire something, tell yourself: "You deserve to have."
Although in our culture, it is not easy to present yourself in many cases, because others may not be able to accept the truest us. But when we decide to learn to present ourselves authentically, courage is essential.
A person who pleases others at all times will live a very tired life, because we care too much about the feelings of others and ignore ourselves, and this kind of pleasing model has no effect on our interpersonal relationshipGood.
Interpersonal interactions need to be based on seeing each other truly, dare to put emotions in, and achieve mutual respect, trust, and equality. So in the end, what we need to know is that true goodness comes from the recognition of ourselves, not from satisfying others and sacrificing our own interests. It is just a cheap good that cannot stand. Any test.
When one day you don’t need to ask for love in a pleasing way, then love can really heal you.
Author's profile: Hu Shenzhi, the psychologist who understands relationships best. The author of "Hu Shen's Family Education Lesson", "Hu Shen's Family Lesson: Rebuilding Intimate Relationships", and "Communication Skills for Highly Affectionate Businessmen". See the truth, yesIn order to better choose.