My best friend has recently been upset by her son’s "bargaining".
"Every day I am negotiating terms with me, watching cartoons, I asked to watch half an hour, and he will watch 1 hour; I have to tell 2 stories, but I have to tell 4; I asked him to sweep the floor the day before yesterday. He actually came to negotiate with me and asked to reward an ice cream after sweeping the floor, otherwise he would strike! There are always various conditions in the little head, what should I do?"
In the eyes of parents, children’s "bargaining" is very unpopular, and their "bargaining" is a performance of disobedience. Know the conditions with parents, such asGuo obeyed the child's request, the future will not be overwhelming!
So in the face of children’s "bargaining", the common practice of parents is to suppress, criticize, and even scold them, which ultimately makes both parties unhappy.
In fact, in the face of children's "bargaining", I want to tell you that this behavior of children is actually a good thing!
Because in child developmental psychology, “bargaining” is a relatively advanced cognitive activity. The process by which children achieve their goals through “bargaining” is actually not It is not easy, it requires a certain amount of empathy and creativity to complete.
So if the child starts to "bargain", it shows that the child's ability has been improved in many ways.
1. Children’s independence dayGrowing up
In the BBC documentary "The Whimsical World of the North Nose", a children’s expert said that children’s self-awareness is like an onion. At first the self-awareness of children is just a small core. As children grow up and experience increasing, they begin to gradually form a shell, more and more self-awareness, and gradually form personality, external awareness and self-understanding, ideas, etc.
From the age of three, children’s self-awareness begins to appear, their own ideas and positions become clearer and clearer, and they begin to have their own Opinions and ideas. They have a deeper understanding of their own goals, and they know how to fight for themselves and protect their own interests.
So they will fight for their own interests. "Rights" and "bargaining" with parents.
The early childhood education expert Sun Ruixue pointed out in "Capturing Children's Sensitive Period" that the so-called sensitive period is Refers to the child’s growth process, driven by the inner life force, within a certain period of time, focus on something around himTraits, and repeat the process of practice.
The period of children’s "bargaining" is a sensitive period when children’s self-independence is strengthened. If parents can seize this sensitive period to properly educate their children, the children's mental level will be greatly improved.
2. Children begin to gain social control
University of Pennsylvania research shows that encourage children to collaborate more with others instead of passive participation, and dare to theory and communicate when they feel unfair. This kind of training model helps children have a sense of rights and enhances their self-esteem.
It is also mentioned in the book "Playing Power": Let children gain a certain sense of control and help them become more confidence.
As children grow up, children have more and more opportunities to contact the outside world. Children begin to try to "control" things around them, such as the relationship with others, the way of communicating with others, etc.
In the process of "bargaining" with your parents, the process you repeatedly argue is an obvious process in which the child wants to gain control.
3. The child has a high EQ ability
We will find an interesting phenomenon. In a family, the child treats each adult differently. If he is more afraid of his father, then he will be in front of his father. He will be very disciplined. If his mother or grandparents give in easily, then he will shame in front of these people and like "bargaining".
This shows that in the process of getting along with others, children analyze the characteristics of each person and choose different ways of socializing according to the characteristics of different people, Which is what we call "seeing the dishes" and "prescribing the right medicine".
When a child starts to "bargain", it shows that the child’s emotional intelligence is relatively high.
4. Children have strong thinking and expression skills
Children’s "bargaining" is by no means as simple as we imagined. This process is similar to ours The process of negotiation has the same effect.
Recall, when you conduct business negotiations, do you think in advance
What is my intended purpose?
What is the final bottom line?
Which conditions cannot be surrendered?
Which conditions can be concessioned, and how much is the specific concession?
How should I express this point more easily to convince the other party?
The same is true for children. In order to achieve their own goals, they will be fully prepared before "bargaining" and adjust their strategies flexibly during the negotiation process. In this process, children are required to have Perfect thinking and expression skills! At the same time, exercise and improve the children's abilities!
Although children’s "bargaining" has many benefits, once it is overdone, it will be counterproductive, so facing children’s " "Bargaining", parents should give correct guidance. Because blindly compromise will lead to selfishness and arrogance in children; and blindly refusal will make children become timid and cowardly.
1. Parents should lead by example and be a good example
in TV series In "Tiger Mom and Cat Dad", Zhao Wei wants her daughter to run and exercise, but her daughter Sapo sits on the ground unwillingly.
There is really no way, mother just use stripsThis piece seduced the daughter.
When you first give up your own principles, give In order to induce the child through the negotiation of material benefits, it is tantamount to providing the child with an excuse for "bargaining". When talking about conditions becomes a habit, the child's awareness of rules will also become weak.
We talk about the rules with our children, but we exchange conditions in our actions. The children will soon see through our "trick", seize the loopholes of the parents, and use the "bargaining" in yours. Body!
So parents should lead by example and don’t take the initiative to negotiate terms with their children.
2 , Adhere to principles and not break through the bottom line
Growth education expert Lan Hai said: “In fact, every child and I can be crazy together. , When you are in trouble, but you should do something serious, you need to have the ability to "recover" immediately. "
On issues of principle, we must insist on not giving children room for “bargaining”.
let the child know what is allowed and what is not allowed, and tell him why
Learning is for your own future. Going to school, studying, and doing homework are not "bargaining".
Washing hands frequently is to ensure good health. These cannot be "bargained."
In the process of implementation, parents must take a calm and firm stand and maintain a consistent attitude. Make an appointment with your child in advanceRegarding issues of principle, the ultimate decision-making power lies with the parents. Once the parents have made a decision, they will never discuss changes.
3. Skillfully "bargain".
Teach children to win together, that is, don’t just tell them "not to do" but let them know "how to do better"
After school, the child wants to play with the child for a while and is going home. You can tell him that if he goes home to cook now, his father will be able to eat at home. If he goes home after playing for a while, he may not have time to cook.
But if you want to play for a while, you can help mom to cook together after you go home.
In this process, the child will establish a "constructive negotiation" thinking mode, so that the child will learn to "empathize thinking" without knowing it.
Children who know how to “think empathy” will look at problems more consciously from the other side’s perspective, and will be more comfortable, welcome, and more measured in their social work and life in the future.
4. It can provide children with open choices
Children and us" "Bargaining" is often because we did not give them the opportunity to choose. Because there is only one result, but it is what the child is looking forward to, so "bargaining" appears. So it is better to give the child several choices, let the child choose independently, and quickly Make a decision.
On the question of whether to watch TV or eat first
The first option is to let the child watch TV for 15 minutes before eating;
The second option is to watch TV for 30 minutes after eating.
This makes it easy for children to make decisions and requires them to be responsible for their decisions.
5. Parents will feel relieved if they can’t see their children crying
Children are very clever little animals. Children know that parents will not be able to cry on their own. They will feel soft when they cry. Therefore, children will take advantage of their parents’ psychology to make a difference.
Over time, parents will lose control of the situation, leading to loss of prestige and children becoming untrustworthy.
So even if the child is crying, stick to the principle. You can even tell your child that you can cry slowly, crying enough, we will continue the discussion. But youThe time wasted by crying will be counted in your follow-up activities.
There will be many shortcomings in the child’s growth process, but you must know that there are no unprovoked shortcomings. From another perspective, this may also be the child’s advantage, which is to help the child.Opportunity for improvement.
So in the face of children’s "bargaining", parents should not be impatient, correct their attitudes, guide them correctly, and help their children grow through the "bargaining". Get out of this special period as soon as possible.
I am Mu Xiaonuan. I have two children in my family. I am a working mother. I am a codewriter who loves photography. I like to keep my life with pictures and record my life with words.
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