There are no couples who don’t quarrel, but goodMarriage must have learned communication and empathy
I wrote an article a few days ago "The Floating Love with Mr. Zhou", which talked about the details of the shoes. After reading it, a reader named Avery felt very grounded and warm.
So I found me through WeChat search. She told me honestly about her marriage.
She said that she and her husband were married for two years, and they were in free love together at the beginning, with a good relationship foundation, and both of them are extroverted, cheerful and straightforward.
In the early days of marriage, there were endless topics every day. Even the trivial things like drinking a few glasses of water today can be laughed at for ten minutes.
But I don’t know what happened in the past two years?
The two people became more and more speechless,The body is no longer as affectionate as it used to be. Even if you sit in the same small space, you can talk awkwardly when you have a word. Sleeping on a bed seems to be separated by the Pacific Ocean.
Those husband and wife affairs, from the original countless, to the later is very few. Sadly, these few miles are also mechanically completed tasks, and they don't even kiss each other anymore.
Days are left with endless quarrels and anger.
What is the noise?
She thinks that he has changed. He has become lazy, sloppy and unclean.
I always put cigarette ashes everywhere, I can wear my underwear for two days without changing, my toenails grow to 4 mm, I don’t want to cut them.And where to sit and take off dirty socks, I never know how to put them in the laundry basket.
Every day in addition to playing on the phone, I also play on the computer. It seems that I am married to these two. I don't help her with housework, let alone understand her hard work. Fortunately, there are no children yet, and life will definitely be worse if there are.
And what about him? I feel that she has also changed. Gentleness is absent, she becomes fussy and goes online. He is in the IT industry, often with 966 work intensity, not only brain-burning, but also bothersome. In the daytime, he spends his energy in the unit and exhausts his vitality. At night, when he goes home, he just wants to lie down and take a breath.
Furthermore, isn’t home a haven for tired souls? Isn't it possible to be tight on the outside and relaxed and free on the inside? Isn’t it the space station of love? Why do you still feel tired after work? Must he continue to implement office culture?
The deviation of values, the more noisy, the more intense, which brought great confusion and anxiety to their marriage.
In an anxious marriage, it’s conceivable to have a chicken feather.
Everyone insists that he is right and the other is wrong. No one is willing to compromise or change anything.
Moreover, I often use my upper body to make a noise.
As time passed, the love that was saved at the beginning was drawn away a little bit and wiped out, and the two people changed from seeing each other joyfully to being bored.
Not only that, but now she and him are tired of quarreling, and a cold war has begun.
The Cold War went from being ignored for a few hours at the beginning, to a day and night without saying a word, and then it became so bad that there was no word for a week or even a month.
In the days when you can't see and see, no one has an active attitude of reconciliation, and in the low pressure space, coupled with the spread of indifference between husband and wife, it burns her body and mind, and she feels like a house at any time An active volcano is about to erupt.
Also like a hundred insectsThe internal organs are uncomfortable.
She wants to have a divorce and wants to end this life.
But the reason for not leaving is that she still has feelings for him, and he doesn't seem to forget to care about her.
Anyway, he would come home from get off work to eat the dishes she cooked, and no matter how late he worked overtime, he would not spend the night outside, and there was no temptation to go around.
Every month’s salary is in her hands. She is not very willing to spend it, but she buys her favorite cosmetics and jewelry when she travels on business, and sometimes takes her to the movies and listens on a whim. concert.
The key point is that he treats her natal parents very well. He will give to his mother-in-law what his mother can do without.
At this point, she couldn't do without.
She once tried to separate briefly, but when she was packing her clothes in the closet, she felt very painful at the thought of separating.
He also expressed his reluctance to leave. I said that since I got married, I never thought about divorcing her.
It's just that in this siege, they are all a little lost and can't find their way back, and they are all a little hesitant about how to get along.
- I am obviously in love, but I don't know how to express it. I still care a little bit, but I always use indifference instead.
Avery said that she really envied those couples who do not quarrel and have endless conversations, and those who are still in love after decades of marriage. , And she feels ashamed to fail, Make marriage like this!
So she asked me: How do you respect each other and not quarrel? How do you control your husband?
At that time, my face was red at sunset, and I was ashamed and said: Mr. Zhou and I are not as respectful as guests. On the contrary, we will quarrel, and we may quarrel 1,000 times.
Avery was surprised, but it was absolutely true.
How can a couple not quarrel?
Take last Friday as an example.
We also had a big fight about his drunkenness. When I was so angry, I shouted to take Xiaochen to the hotel. (Although it was fake, he never went out once) But he pretended that he had to go out, which caused him to lose half of his drink.
But later, I still lay in his arms and fell asleep.
First, let me talk about the reasons for anger. There are two reasons.
One, before he had a party with a mutual friend, he promised me not to get drunk, but he drank high in less than an hour. He was still on the way to pick him up, and he didn’t reply to the message. Call me. Just drunkHe talked about the mountains in a vague sense, and did not notify me to temporarily change the place to eat.
Let me be a road idiot to follow the mobile phone navigation for a good meal.
One, he went home and fell asleep, snoring like thunder. And I was busy all day, still hungry. When Xiaochen and I finished cleaning up and finally fell asleep in a calm mood, he got up again and desperately opened the closet door, saying that he was going to the bathroom to go to the bathroom.
But the door is not in that direction at all, he is still opening there. Mr. Zhou is such a clear person, how could he be conquered by wine like this, so when he got angry, the small volcano erupted.
I started a man’s thunder anger and caught him all kinds of broken thoughts. He got up and sat on the stairs. At first he listened humbly, but later I saw that I didn’t understand him. , And said a few words in a hurry.
When I talk more and more angry, my performance andHedong Lion Roar is no different.
The matter of not quarreling with each other as a guest is suitable for mother-in-law relationship, but it falls in In marriage, it does not mean happiness at all.
And marriage is just like a person knows himself when he drinks water.
We are all living in the world, smoking smoke, teeth and tongues are still bumping, let alone two people with different native families, different cultures, education, and different ideas living together .
The intrusion of the world, the pressure of life, and the change of mood will collide with small conflicts in marriage anytime and anywhere. This is a normal phenomenon, and not being respectful or polite is a good marriage.
So Avery, you don’t have to be ashamed of having a quarrelsome marriage. This is not your fault, nor your vision. Who doesn’t want two people to fall in love to a white-headed marriage, but there are many obstacles to life. Do not let you and I in the besieged city repeatedly run into each other's temperaments.
Quarrels are not terrible, the terrible thing is that there is no love in my heart! The quarrel is not sad, the sad thing is that the two hearts are drifting away and no longer listening to each other.
Therefore, mutual defamation is the biggest driver of the relationship between separated marriages, and indifference is the fastest to kill the continuation of the marriage.
As long as the two people still have a trace of love and care, and they still insist on not wanting to be separated, and do not want to forget, then what a turbulent marriage is still hopeful Get continued.
Another key point is to learn "how to fight" and "how to change yourself"?
Take me and Mr. Zhou again.
We have been married for more than ten years, and during the period we have been quarreling constantly.Why is it still as sweet as being in a love period to this day.
Because we always adhere to a principle.
This principle is: Married life will inevitably have contradictions, and individuals will also have small emotions. Quarrels are normal. It is considered to be a discussion of thoughts, but no matter how you quarrel, you should not slander or slander each other , And always remember that we love each other and will not be separated.
Love each other and never separate. These two points seem to be few words, but they are very good at escorting marriage in the sea of life.
- Because only when we deeply remember that we love each other can we learn to stop in time during a quarrel
- Learn to think from the other side’s perspective
- Only then will we understand that marriage needs empathy
- I also learned to communicate emotions in timeAnd expressing inner desires, instead of encountering things, only love hiding in my heart and sulking, let alone seeking short-term emotional sustenance through the outside world.
- Because we know that we will not be separated, what we argue about is only a form, not a result.
- We are only expressing a point of view, not fighting the enemy again, who It is no longer so important to lose or lose.
Dignity is a precious thing, but because of love, it can also become less fettered.
So, we slowly learned to tolerate, retreat, rational, let go, understand and understand.
Slowly in each run-in, I find my own shortcomings and a better way to get along with two people.
This is very important to me and Mr. Zhou.
I quarreled 1,000 times, maybe a bit exaggerated, but that night, I fell asleep in his arms and woke up without an overnight hatred.
Because we all have a voice in our hearts, I love him (her), and we will not separate. Since they will not be separated, there will always be a way to cease fire.
Me and Mr. Zhou's usual ceasefire method is communication.
Like that night, when I was so roaring, we still quickly died down and returned to a calm state.
He said that you are so angry tonight because of my problem, and it is reasonable for you to get angry. But I want to explain the situation for myself.
In the daytime in the unit, I encountered some upsetting things. After a high level of mental tension, it is inevitable to let go and relax at dinner with my good brother.Said that the wine is a homemade glutinous rice wine specially brought by a friend from Shanghai Qidong. It is very sweet and sweet. You also like to drink that kind, so if you neglect, drink too much.
As for drinking too much and talking too much, but in my heart I just want to be with my wife and children. I didn’t reply to the message because I didn’t play with a mobile phone, so you came to pick me up with a look of anger. I also think You are the best wife in the world.
(My anger is subdued a little bit)
I said, why are you drinking so much? Will your head hurt tomorrow? Do you have to be angry?
Mr. Zhou said that if you scold me at night, the effect is not very effective. It is better to wait until I wake up from alcohol tomorrow morning and continue to scold me, so that I can better understand the spirit of marriage and accept the teachings of my wife.
(It seems to be sober, the logic is clear)
I said, I am very upset when you are like this. youIt should be a person with great self-control ability, and don't want you to be confused by the conquest of wine.
(I didn’t say that you are a very bad man)
He said, my performance today is not very good, but is it usually 99 % Are all OK? If so, can you look at the Buddha's face without looking at the monk's face? Today I spared my 1% shortcoming.
(I will move to rescue soldiers, but I also realize my true side.)
I said, then I’m still angry and want to stay in a hotel
(It’s pretended at this time)
Mr. Zhou said, you can’t stay in a hotel, you can’t When I was drunk, and when I was weak, leave me behind so that I would be pitiful, likeWas abandoned. And you and your son are the people I love the most, and how can I leave me alone?
(At that time, I felt very ashamed in my heart.)
I only cared about quarrels, but forgot to take care of him first , He is still a drunk man, and why did I catch him in a thought class?
And I quickly remembered that when I was drunk before, he took care of me patiently, and I wanted to stay in a hotel?
So when he said it was pitiful, I found my problem, my shortcoming. So my heart weakened at that time.
I said, then go to sleep.
He said, I just want to sleep with my wife and son. Finally, I covered him with the quilt. He hugged me tightly from behind and still fell asleep quickly, but his hand was holding my hand.release.
This fight was over, and soon I fell asleep.
The emotionalist Tu Lei said: The greatest weakness of human nature is the inability to see our own weaknesses.
I often feel that I am always right and the other person is always wrong, as are the two people in the marriage.
Sometimes, it's not that I don't love anymore, it just seems to live more in conquering, and finally it turns into disappointment and incomprehension.
Just like Avery and her husband, it’s not that they don’t care about each other anymore, they still love and care about each other, or the husband loves his wife to manage his salary, and he will come home for dinner. I even thought about taking her to a movie to listen to a concert, and loving his wife's family.
Although she hates his living habits, she still feels sad when she thinks of separation, but she doesn't know how to operate.
Actually, it's just that two people have lost the direction of how to love, and they don't know what is the best way to get along in marriage. They also lost communication under the various pressures of life and the short emotional confusion. Ability.
TotalExpect the other person to understand and understand yourself, but forget whether you can also understand and understand each other.
It is easy to ignore the part of love in a marriage relationship and become a kind of kidnapping of life. The advantages have been diminished and the shortcomings have been magnified.
Actually, managing marriage is not that complicated. It is based on love, learn to tolerate and learn the necessary empathy appropriately.
Because of empathy, it is easy to share the soul, and only two people who share the soul are more hopeful to go long and happy on the long road of marriage.
Marriage has never been the only way to leave family affection, it also has many identities. Lover, lover, and confidant can all be mixed together.
As long as you learn to thinkAt this point, the bridge of communication has been found, the crux of the marriage has been found, and the belief in marriage has been strengthened. Then, if you don't forget your original intention, you will always have it.
I will encourage you!
Duanmu Wanqing, Emotional author, complex love and human nature confuses people, has published the book "Understanding, is the most beautiful love in the worldWords", thank you for reading, welcome to pay attention!